Chapter #8

Sekarang gw dipindah ke kantor..entah untuk berapa lama..yg gw tau gw kehilangan hari selasa..itu berat,bener" berat dri yg gw kira sebelumnya....
Gw disini punya tugas baru,tanggung jawab dan beban yg lebih berat..tapi gw gatau,gw bener" bingung musti ngapain..otak gw dah mati,mindset gw dah jebol ancur berantakan..ga bisa mikirin apa" selaen dia..
Beberapa hari pertama gw kerja dah kaya orang sakit..bukan karna ga makan,tpi karna cuma bisa mikirin "you know who"..ga ada yg laen
Knapa bisa sampe gitu?berhubung otak gw mati,"when brain was dead heart takes over the jobs"...semuanya yg jalanin hati...apa yg gw liat dan gw denger hati gw yg nerjemahin..
Beberapa hri yg lalu,gw ngeliat dia deket ama cowok di Twitter.Gw rasa dia seneng dan udah jadian.Yaudah,gw ngucapin selamat,tapi malah begitu dianya.Kayanya gw salah,dan memang salah..ya as always lah,never been right,always wrong
Gw sibuk,emang sibuk.dari mulai input data sama ngebarcodein barang.tapi tetep aja inget mulu ama dia
Waktu jalan terus,gw ga ngapa"in meskipun gw tetep khawatir dan perduli sama dia.dia pun terlihat asik dengan semua urusannya,well gw udah janji juga ga mau ganggu karna takut bikin kesel
Beberapa kali gw cuman nanya lewat twitter,karna pas gw buka TL tweet yg dia buat itu langsung bikin gw ngerasa khawatir dan uring"an..iya jujur gw nyoba buat tetep tenang,tapi jujur juga dalem hati gw ga karuan!
Yang gw inget pertama gw nanya kenapa dia nyesek,dia jawab karna kebiasaan buruknya yg udah mulai ilang dilakuin lgi..ya mau gimana lagi,yg gw tau dia stress berat 
Terus gw nanya lgi apa polipnya kumat,dia bilang iya..but so flat
Gw ngerasa dia lgi ngadepin masa" yg sulit dan berat buat dia..
Gw mau ngebantu dia.but what can i do?nothing!what should i do?have no idea
Gw cuma bisa berdoa,berdoa agar dia selalu dijaga sama Tuhan dan ga terjadi apa" sama dia
Kok gw bisa sampe segitunya?yailah namanya juga orang sayang
Udah tau dia ga sayang ama gw,knapa gw masih sayang ama dia?klo semudah itu namanya gw ga sayang
Bukannya masih ada yg lebih cantik yg lebih baik?buat lw" aja..gw cuman butuh orang yg gw sayang
Trus mau sampe kapan begini?gatau..sampe kapanpun
Ya gw jelek,gila,tool,bego,dongo atau apalah yg orang bilang..
Orang ga bisa nentuin mau sayang sama siapa,makanya ga bisa seenaknya gw bilang sayang klo ga ngerasa..
Sekarang,gw cuma bisa merhatiin dia,dri kejauhan,ngeliat recent updatesnya,display picturenya,dan juga tweetnya
Setiap malem,sebelom gw tidur,gw selalu doain dia
Semoga dia baik" aja,meskipun gw ga bisa bohong klo gw msh sedih,meskipun hati gw nangis dan menjerit sekenceng apapun..
Tuhan tau semuanya,perasaan gw ke dia seperti apa meskipun gw ga banyak berkorban buat dia,dan gw kehilangan orang yang bener" gw sayang
Akhirnya,gw tau kegunaan tissue yg selama ini ada di meja komputer tempat gw biasa nginput data..iya,ngelap aer mata gw sendiri..lebay?silahkan bilang begitu..bilang cengeng pun gw terima kok
Buat dia, lw tau gw ga pernah bohong soal apapun sama lw.gw ga pernah minta apapun selain penjelasan waktu itu.gw emang bukan orang yg romantis,puitis atau banyak berkorban buat lw.gw juga selalu gagal buat bikin lw seneng,ketawa,merasa aman dan nyaman...
Tapi Tuhan tau klo ini bukan judul lagu..iya,gw kangen sama lw
God knows how much i love you and how much i miss you, even you dont care about it
Cause i'm officially missing you...Deshi

Chapter #7

Well..i have nothing to do from that moment..
Work without spirit, singing without notes, walking with no direction...and everything just getting worse
Cant stop thinking about her..even she doesnt care about me
Cant stop worry about her..even she doesnt worry about me too
Cant stop loving her even im nobody to her
i have no idea, have nothing to do..but enjoy this pain strikes me down in every single second..the most beautiful and acrobatic pain..
Maybe,for her i'm just an ugly guy who's always talked too much..a biggest joke in her life..a clown who always failed to make her laugh..a wind that blows too hard..a rain which falls everytime..or simply,the most useless thing in her life
I confess that i'm weak, powerless and awkward..
But at least i tried..tried so hard..even i've always failed..
I always be myself and never change..so the feeling inside for her too..
Even it hurts so much..even time never goes back to when we wanted to..even i have to drown in pain all the time..but thats alright..cause i think she is happier now
I step out from her life..but i'm not going anywhere..just sit back on where i used to,in the middle of nowhere..when the night has come,i lay down on the ground,looking at the moon shine down from above..
And it doesnt mean i dont love her anymore cause like what i said,i'll always love her
Why?how can i betray what i'm feeling inside..
We can hold what we feel,but we can deny or hide it..
We can go anywhere,everywhere around the world and across universe we want..but we cant find a reason to love
We can move on,but it means we lie to ourself about love that we said
We can lie to make someone that we love happy..but forgot the essential part of love too..the Honesty
We cant kill the love we have,the more we try it grows faster and bigger than the ever was
It doesnt die easily..its a living thing.. 
Its a promise..its a gift..once given,never forgotten..never be able to disappear 
Its a promise..to make someone happy..even we hurts,shattered and curled on the floor, cause where is love,there is life, happiness and pain 
We can love,in happiness or suffering in the darkest sorrow..
We can go wrong,but we will try to do the right for love..even it seems wrong too
The most beautiful love is the one without reasons 
Love is loving with two hopes : 1. To being loved by someone we love 2. To love each other all the time
Maybe i'm wrong,but thats what we need from love..to being loved by someone we love and to loving each other all the time..
This is me..the one who love someone without being loved by the one i love..who always care and worry about her even when i'm saying or doing nothing..the one who always love her................................................

Chapter #6

berikut adalah perasaan yg gw rasa selama ini....wait!tumben nih pke bahasa indonesia..ya maaf,emang english gw jelek dan ada beberapa yg kritik..btw,thx bgt loh kritikannya,bener" bikin gw sadar klo gw msh hrus banyak belajar...
sekarang bakal gw jelasin sebanyak-banyaknya dan yg pasti jujur sejujur-jujurnya dan se ada-adanya
Dri pertama gw pindah kerja,gw hrus lembur seminggu karna ketentuannya sperti itu dan cuma gw yg belum punya jadwal tetap
Seminggu lewat,gw mikir gw mw libur hri apasedangkan gw mau ketemu dia hari jumat di event clothingan saat gw ketemu dia untuk kedua kalinya
Gw minta ke store manajer gw buat minta libur hari itu,dan ternyata..dikabulkan!
Setelah itu,gw make jadwalnya elfrin yg udah out..dan ternyata gw libur hari selasa dan tiba" gw seneng banget karna dia juga libur hari selasa!
Itu cuma prolog dri apa yg mau gw jelasin sebenernya
Sekarang gw jelasin apa yg gw rasa selama ini ke dia
Gw sedih,khawatir dan uring"an saat dia ga bls bbm gw or cuma read,tiap tweet dan recent updates bbmnya nunjukin sedih,sakit,marah,kesel dll yg seperti itu..terlebih saat ngeliat recent updates "talking to the moon" dgn emot crying facenya juga tweeet resolusi tahun 2012nya(bukan soal cigarette dan indomienya yg bikin gw sedih dan uring"an
Gw seneng,tiap kli dia bls bbm,sms,mention,tiap ketemu dia,jalan sama dia,ngobrol sama dia meskipun  cuma sebentar,meskipun harus nunggu lama,meskipun harus diguyur hujan dan cuma biisa ngebul sambil nahan rasa pengen ketemu secepetnya, meskipun gw gatau dia ngerasa hal yg sama kaya gw
Gw kecewa sama diri gw sendiri dan sedih krna gw ga bisa bikin dia seneng,bahagia,ngehibur dan ngilangin btnya,merasa nyaman dan aman saat sama gw,atau malah cuma bikin bt dan dia kesel sama gw
Tapi itu semua ga bsa ngubah perasaan gw ke dia..semakin gw sangkal malah semakin tumbuh cepat..gw diem pun ga akan hilang..karna gw bener" sayang sama dia..karna gw setia untuk tetap sayang sama dia dan setia sama perasaan gw ke dia..
Inilah gw..manusia buruk rupa dengan seluruh keterbatasan dan ketidak mampuan yg ada yg tetep berusahaserealistis mungkin
Yang gw bisa lakuin cuma tetep jujur, tetep berusaha ngelakuin yg terbaik semampu gw buat dia, buat dia seneng,nyaman,aman,ga sedih,ga bt dan ga kesel
Semua karna gw bener" sayang sama dia dan gw akan tetep sayang sama dia 
Never asked to be the most important person in her life..just to be the man that she loves, have her love all the time and to love each other
If she only knew what i'm feeling inside..How much i care and worry about her..How much i really love her :)

Chapter #5

well it will be the longest post for me
after all those moments i felt strange...felt something different inside of me
sad,happy,upset,mad,confused and all the feelings inside me became a great combination that successfully made me fucked up
one day,i calmed myself for a moment..and then i realized that i love her 
and i told her what i feel inside,i told her that i love her...but she cant love me..maybe its too fast to say love
but what could i do?should i lied to myself and to her?no..i never want to be a liar...i just wanna be honest bout everything...maybe shes in love with another guy cause i catched a moment when she seems like "talking to the moon" with crying face...
but thats alright...i wont compete, cause she isnt a trophy...
i cant kill this feeling inside even if i want to...but this is loyalty whit what i feel inside,cause i really love her so much..even she doesnt love me,even time can makes her to love me.even i have to get hurt as long as she doesnt..im still loving her and always love her..cause i cant split my love with any other women cause i really really love her and always love her :)

Chapter #4

after the last meeting, everything seems normal...but i was wrong
when she's birthday (22nd december) i sent her a voice note...
actually i envy to those who gave her birthday gift,but what could i do?i couldnt give her anything even if i wanted to...
and the next day she celebrated with her friends,but when i asked she just got mad at me
i apologized to her but she said it wasnt her,but her friend..that calmed me a bit
then,the next day she went to central java for vacation with her family..i keep trying to talk to her everyday or everytime maybe but feels like available but unreachable..from that moment, everything feels so different...i dunno why...why it has to be like this...i got trapped and confused for so many times